So I'm sitting here at BWH next to my mom as she is lying in a hospital bed struggling to breathe. I've cried enough these last few days especially the times when we thought we lost her. I'm actually hoping her suffering ends and can't help but feel it's torture watching and waiting for her to die. There are times when she is lucid and alert but those times are becoming fleeting.
We brought her to the ED Monday night. Never in a million years did I think this will be her death journey. Maybe I would have prepared myself better had I have known. I thought the docs would figure out what's wrong and fix the immediate problem so we could bring her home. They ran all the tests and gave her antibiotics, steroids and oxygen. She was also dehydrated. And she started to get some color back in her face. But they admitted her so they can monitor her breathing and see if she would get better.
On Tuesday, she rallied but still had breathing problems. Dr. Marcoux came to visit and Mom told him "no more treatments!" Dr. Marcoux agreed and said we should plan on arranging for hospice care at home. Also he confirmed her directives that she didn't want to be resuscitated or to be kept alive on some machine.
Yesterday, she went for a swallow video test. Apparently she failed as liquids were going into her lungs. She was put on a special diet and could only eat mushy food and thickened drinks. But she took a turn for the worse in the early afternoon. The docs and nurses were able to stabilize her but it scared the shit out of me. I made calls to my cousins in MD and NY and told them the situation. It was up to them if they wanted to come up and see my mom. Nancy and Brandon were supposed to drive up on Saturday but decided to come that night after work. And my cousins in NYC were making plans to take the bus today. Also my Dad's brothers and families all called and said they were coming. So we told Mom and she seemed happy. But she was still having trouble breathing throughout the night. They finally had give her oxygen through a face mask.
Dad is having a hard time of it and was telling Mom that when she gets better, he'll bring her home and then he would bring her to DFCI for her chemo treatments! Mom was lucid enough to roll her eyes at him. At one point he thought she was gone, clutched his chest and ran out the room. He said afterwards he was having a hard time breathing as well. Just what we need to have both of them struggling. But he snapped out of it.
Back to Mom, Dr. Marcoux saw her today and said she is actively dying. He has given her 24-48 hours. The main goal is to make her comfortable. So after all of her visitors including the repeat visitors, I think she has seen everyone she wants to see before she goes. Thank you all for taking the time to see her - mostly family as I don't really think Mom would want too many people to see her this way. Also, she is just a shell of the woman we all know and love. I now know and understand what people go through when they lose a loved one. The highs and lows, when to grieve or not grieve, the uncontrollable crying spells, overwhelming sadness and the helplessness you can't help but feel when watching your loved suffer. Weird but I don't feel any anger. If anything I feel blessed with all of the support from friends and family. And let's not forget the awesome staff at BWH and DFCI. They have made this experience bearable. There are so many more emotions happening in this hospital room that I can't give justice to. I am supposed to be sleeping but cannot as I have to be on alert when she stops breathing.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
We brought her to the ED Monday night. Never in a million years did I think this will be her death journey. Maybe I would have prepared myself better had I have known. I thought the docs would figure out what's wrong and fix the immediate problem so we could bring her home. They ran all the tests and gave her antibiotics, steroids and oxygen. She was also dehydrated. And she started to get some color back in her face. But they admitted her so they can monitor her breathing and see if she would get better.
On Tuesday, she rallied but still had breathing problems. Dr. Marcoux came to visit and Mom told him "no more treatments!" Dr. Marcoux agreed and said we should plan on arranging for hospice care at home. Also he confirmed her directives that she didn't want to be resuscitated or to be kept alive on some machine.
Yesterday, she went for a swallow video test. Apparently she failed as liquids were going into her lungs. She was put on a special diet and could only eat mushy food and thickened drinks. But she took a turn for the worse in the early afternoon. The docs and nurses were able to stabilize her but it scared the shit out of me. I made calls to my cousins in MD and NY and told them the situation. It was up to them if they wanted to come up and see my mom. Nancy and Brandon were supposed to drive up on Saturday but decided to come that night after work. And my cousins in NYC were making plans to take the bus today. Also my Dad's brothers and families all called and said they were coming. So we told Mom and she seemed happy. But she was still having trouble breathing throughout the night. They finally had give her oxygen through a face mask.
Dad is having a hard time of it and was telling Mom that when she gets better, he'll bring her home and then he would bring her to DFCI for her chemo treatments! Mom was lucid enough to roll her eyes at him. At one point he thought she was gone, clutched his chest and ran out the room. He said afterwards he was having a hard time breathing as well. Just what we need to have both of them struggling. But he snapped out of it.
Back to Mom, Dr. Marcoux saw her today and said she is actively dying. He has given her 24-48 hours. The main goal is to make her comfortable. So after all of her visitors including the repeat visitors, I think she has seen everyone she wants to see before she goes. Thank you all for taking the time to see her - mostly family as I don't really think Mom would want too many people to see her this way. Also, she is just a shell of the woman we all know and love. I now know and understand what people go through when they lose a loved one. The highs and lows, when to grieve or not grieve, the uncontrollable crying spells, overwhelming sadness and the helplessness you can't help but feel when watching your loved suffer. Weird but I don't feel any anger. If anything I feel blessed with all of the support from friends and family. And let's not forget the awesome staff at BWH and DFCI. They have made this experience bearable. There are so many more emotions happening in this hospital room that I can't give justice to. I am supposed to be sleeping but cannot as I have to be on alert when she stops breathing.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
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