So Dad is planning on going to Nancy and Brandon's to celebrate his birthday October 5th and then he is off on his Asia trip. It's good for him to get away.

We went to Wild Willy's for lunch today cos he wanted a burger. And while we were eating, all of a sudden I hear this song "Smoke gets in your eyes!" One of my Mom's favorite songs.....that's when I knew she was with us. How random was that? This song is from the 60s and Wild Willy's the last place you would hear it. Really? I got the chills but in a good way. You can say I'm going crazy but I know it was another sign from her. 

So I survived the 2nd anniversary. For some reason, this year seemed tougher than last year. Why? I'm not entirely sure. But hopefully next year will be a different story. I know my mom would want that.

I want that too but until then, I'm just going through the motions. Waking up, work and go to sleep until I wake up once again. As someone recently said to me -" Life goes on."  And maybe I'll never be as happy as I once was. Who knows, maybe I will? What's important is making sure my Dad is ok.

And ok he is. Just got back from a conference in Chicago and is now making plans to visit Taiwan, Hong Kong and China! I need to plan a trip for myself....but won't be able to afford it after I finance my Dad's trip! Oh well, maybe a knight in shining armor will take me away!! Keep dreaming, I know.....

So I thought keeping busy and surrounding myself with friends and family would help. But honestly, it doesn't. It just masks what I'm really feeling until I'm home alone and let it all out. My poor cats don't know what to make of it.

I've learned that since her passing, I can barely feel any joy or happiness. And if I do, I feel guilty - does that make sense? And forget about any shit that happens - it's magnified a 1000x to the point that it's overwhelming sometimes. Pain, hurt & disappointment - you name it - makes me feel vulnerable and sad like I've never felt before.....don't get me wrong, I have a great support system but how can I add my burden to theirs? It wouldn't be fair and they have their own problems. Better that I deal with this on my own....

On a brighter note, I have to say without sounding too kooky, I do feel my Mom's presence sometimes. Is it comforting? I don't know how to handle it yet.

A friend told me the other day that she sees this underlying sadness in me.....Guess I'm not doing such a good job in keeping it together.

I've been watching all of the videos on this blog during the last couple of days. And I laugh and cry at the same time. She was special, no doubt about it.

In closing, I know this is normal - it's part of the grieving process. And I know I'll be alright....I'm sure in a year from now, I'll look back and read these posts and think I can't believe I wrote all of this!

And to my MOM - I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!