Back to Mom, how did she stay so happy til the day she died? Despite all of the crap she endured, she persevered! Not only that but she was never bitter and just enjoyed the simple things in life. I need to figure out how she did it What was her secret? Hmmmm....maybe this trip to HK will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm also going to Japan to visit friends too? Looking forward to it and maybe I'll unlock the secret that's within me?!
As it's coming up on the anniversary of Mom's passing, I need to get my shit together. How am I feeling? Ok, I guess. Still a little numb. Sad? Yea, a little...but at the same time I know my friend Helen is in a better place. No pain, no darkness, no shame, just peace. So how can I be sad about that. Or am I being selfish? Probably cos I no longer have a partner in crime?
Back to Mom, how did she stay so happy til the day she died? Despite all of the crap she endured, she persevered! Not only that but she was never bitter and just enjoyed the simple things in life. I need to figure out how she did it What was her secret? Hmmmm....maybe this trip to HK will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm also going to Japan to visit friends too? Looking forward to it and maybe I'll unlock the secret that's within me?!
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Today's horoscope asks if I'm feeding my soul? What does that mean??? Does anyone know? I know a few years ago, it was a bad time and I felt nothing in my soul. But since the beginning of this year, I felt like I was finally coming out of this dark place. Until recently....I guess time will help in the grieving process.
In the meantime, life goes on. Take care of Dad, feed and cuddle with the kitties, work and try to enjoy what's around my little world. I'm flying to HK in a couple of weeks so maybe that will feed my soul? It'll be good to see my Mom's family and catch up with everything since she passed. I know I'll definitely be feeding my belly! The thought of all the awesome food I'll be eating makes me a little joyful? So hard to put into words what I've been feeling lately. Lost, disappointed, sad, disconnected, confused, mad, disenchanted and content with just going with the flow? Yet at the same time also feeling vulnerable and complacent. So what's missing from this list? Happy, fulfilled, trusting, joyful, hopeful and being whole and intact inside? It may not make sense to some people but I feel like there's a hole in my heart. And yes, it could be that I've been burnt by my relationships time and time again. And the hole just gets bigger and bigger especially after losing yet another important person in my life.
Tho I'm still not grasping the fact that Helen is gone. Denial? For sure, but how else to deal with it? Someone please tell me!! What is important is that I have great people around me to support and love me. Family and friends. I've mentioned this many times before. And I am so grateful for that. But I've always been good with showing a tough game face and internalizing my pain. Also tend to hide away to deal with it alone. This blog has been my outlet and a safe place to vent. So thank you to those who care to continue to read about my crazy stupid life! Had a nice relaxing time at the DR last week. Lots of laughs with good friends. Spent a little time on the beach reflecting on all of the crazy things that have happened recently. Talked to Helen and Mom! And surprisingly was happy to get on the plane to head home. Missed my babies....not sure how I'm going to survive the plane ride to HK in 3 weeks!
Was in NYC Saturday and saw my cousin Henry and his Mom. It was really good to see my Aunt looking well and still sharp as ever. She is my Mom's older sister by 13 years? Basically, helped raise her. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to accept my Mom's death. But she's always been a tough old bird. She never liked the way my Dad treated my Mom. So when we used to visit her, she would yell at my Dad! It was kinda funny. But we also stopped visiting her because it wasn't much fun when she had it out for my Dad.
But since Mom passed, my Aunt has definitely mellowed. She seems genuinely happy to see us. We're going to make a concerted effort to see her more often. I even invited her to Nancy's house in December during Christmas break. We'll see... |
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May 2022
AuthorI'm fortunate enough to have an awesome job at a biotech company. I'm also blessed to have the bestest of friends in the world - from Castle Square, ATASK, and Jamie Club - you know who you are! Last but not least, I have a family that are always there for me. Categories |