So she made it through the night pretty peacefully. She woke up wide awake and smiling at everyone - me, Nancy, nurse and the pretty (my observant mom commented how pretty this doctor was during one of her lucid moments) doctor. I hurriedly called my Dad and Norm to come and experience this moment with her. Luckily they were both on their way and were close by. Although by the time they came, she was already tired and wasn't smiling as much.

Word got out about Mom so she had a bunch of visitors stop by. It's heartening to see how people are affected by seeing Mom. She touched alot of folks with her silent generosity, no BS advice, and always loving heart. Sounds cliche at a time like this but it's 100% accurate from my biased opinion. Again, thanks from the bottom of my heart to everyone who stopped by. Even those meeting her for the first time. I hate that this is your only image of her as it's only a shell of the real "Becky". But I appreciate the effort and I know Mom is happy that I have friends like that.

We were all in the family room taking a break and one of the nurses came by and told us how strong Mom was. She had just finished changing the sheets and cleaning Mom up a bit. The nurse thought it was amazing how alert Mom was despite all the sedative pain meds she was on. She said Mom is tough and seemingly wants to hang on. I was thinking that's not anything new. We all know how tough Mom is. I only hope I can live up to that so I can get through this.

So I'm sitting here at BWH next to my mom as she is lying in a hospital bed struggling to breathe. I've cried enough these last few days especially the times when we thought we lost her. I'm actually hoping her suffering ends and can't help but feel it's torture watching and waiting for her to die. There are times when she is lucid and alert but those times are becoming fleeting.

We brought her to the ED Monday night. Never in a million years did I think this will be her death journey. Maybe I would have prepared myself better had I have known. I thought the docs would figure out what's wrong and fix the immediate problem so we could bring her home. They ran all the tests and gave her antibiotics, steroids and oxygen. She was also dehydrated. And she started to get some color back in her face. But they admitted her so they can monitor her breathing and see if she would get better.

On Tuesday, she rallied but still had breathing problems. Dr. Marcoux came to visit and Mom told him "no more treatments!" Dr. Marcoux agreed and said we should plan on arranging for hospice care at home. Also he confirmed her directives that she didn't want to be resuscitated or to be kept alive on some machine.

Yesterday, she went for a swallow video test. Apparently she failed as liquids were going into her lungs. She was put on a special diet and could only eat mushy food and thickened drinks. But she took a turn for the worse in the early afternoon. The docs and nurses were able to stabilize her but it scared the shit out of me. I made calls to my cousins in MD and NY and told them the situation. It was up to them if they wanted to come up and see my mom. Nancy and Brandon were supposed to drive up on Saturday but decided to come that night after work. And my cousins in NYC were making plans to take the bus today. Also my Dad's brothers and families all called and said they were coming. So we told Mom and she seemed happy. But she was still having trouble breathing throughout the night. They finally had give her oxygen through a face mask.

Dad is having a hard time of it and was telling Mom that when she gets better, he'll bring her home and then he would bring her to DFCI for her chemo treatments! Mom was lucid enough to roll her eyes at him. At one point he thought she was gone, clutched his chest and ran out the room. He said afterwards he was having a hard time breathing as well. Just what we need to have both of them struggling. But he snapped out of it.

Back to Mom, Dr. Marcoux saw her today and said she is actively dying. He has given her 24-48 hours. The main goal is to make her comfortable. So after all of her visitors including the repeat visitors, I think she has seen everyone she wants to see before she goes. Thank you all for taking the time to see her - mostly family as I don't really think Mom would want too many people to see her this way. Also, she is just a shell of the woman we all know and love. I now know and understand what people go through when they lose a loved one. The highs and lows, when to grieve or not grieve, the uncontrollable crying spells, overwhelming sadness and the helplessness you can't help but feel when watching your loved suffer. Weird but I don't feel any anger. If anything I feel blessed with all of the support from friends and family. And let's not forget the awesome staff at BWH and DFCI. They have made this experience bearable. There are so many more emotions happening in this hospital room that I can't give justice to. I am supposed to be sleeping but cannot as I have to be on alert when she stops breathing.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Mom had a bunch of visitors this weekend. Uncle Dave and Judy were there Friday afternoon. Connie and her sister were there Saturday night and brought dinner. An really old friend from back in the nightclub days, Uncle Wei came by this am and brought dim sum. But Mom really didn't eat either times. Plus I'm not sure what happened but starting Saturday she can barely walk or sit up. She is so weak! And her short-term memory is totally shot. She still wants to go out and smoke so we wheel her out in her new wheelchair. She is no longer smiling and looks so forlorn. I tried smiling at her and it usually generates a huge smile from her but nothing. She looks so out of it. What happened? Too much of the pain meds? Is it the aftermath from the radiation to her head? I need to put a call to Dr. Marcoux in the am. 

And not to sound gross but I had to rush to CVS  to buy her some Depends. Mom needs it as a precautionary measure.  I lucked out because I had a minute to spare before they closed!!! Otherwise I would have been driving around trying to find some place that was still open after 10pm. I'm exhausted from this emotional experience of seeing my mom deteriorate right before my eyes. Plus I'm still recovering from my cold/flu/strep. Dad is also having a hard time trying to come to grips with it. He came close to breaking down a few times while trying to hold her up when she walks or goes to the bathroom.  I told him there is no way she can do any treatments the way she is now. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He is refusing to believe enormity of the situation. He still has hope. I admire that in him.

It's Restaurant Week in Boston so Rob reserved a table at Mamma Maria's in the North End for my parents and us. Mom always reminisces about the times she went to the North End just to drink capuccinos and eat desserts. So we thought it would be a treat for her. And you can tell she was looking forward to it. But alas, Mamma Maria's is a two-leveled restaurant and they were hosting a wedding party on the 1st floor. There was no way Mom was going to make it up to the 2nd floor. So we had to improvise and try a restaurant across the street. It wasn't that good but she seemed happy to be out. But then she later confessed her back was hurting so we drove her home right after dinner.

I re-scheduled her CT scan as I was concerned about Mom. And the results aren't surprising. Basically, the left lung area where she had radiation, the tumors are smaller. But the tumors have grown in her right lung and the lymph nodes. Her options are to continue with traditional chemo treatments. But because she's already had 2 treatments, the tumors are more resistant to the chemo. The odds are only 1 out of 10 people will respond to treatment. The other option is for her to do a clinical trial. Dr. Marcoux said patients have responded to it and it supposedly managed the tumors. But she's on the borderline of qualifying as her body seems so weak. The side effects are worse than the traditional treatments. We decided to schedule an appt with him in two weeks and she can take the time to decide. I'm hoping she can now get stronger since she's done with treatment.

Took my parents to breakfast this am. Mom seems to be ok but didn't eat much. We then went to Target to buy some things for their apt. When we got home, I went up to grab the shopping cart. And when I came back down, there were the two of them kneeling on the ground. Mom fell and Dad couldn't hold her up so he fell as well. Luckily they're ok and wasn't hurt. But it was scary.

And Mom doesn't have much of an appetite any more. She's not eating alot. Dad said she's complaining the food he cooks doesn't taste good. But she did ask me to make her some jello!

And then tonight I get a call from Dad. Mom took an extra dose of meds. She forget she already took her meds and forgot what day it was. So she took the next day's am meds, went for a walk, came back and took the next day's pm meds. Ah yah...mom, what are you doing? Needless to say, she was lights out by the time I stop by.  

Today was a tough day for me. My best friend Chuck called to see how I was doing. And for the 1st time in a long, long time, I got really emotional. It was all I could do to keep it together as I was at work. But something triggered it - can't explain it. Maybe because Chuck knows me like nobody else and we've been through so much together. Alot of history and of course, he knows my mom. They worked together at his dad's restaurant about 30 years ago. Anyways, I couldn't shake the sorrow at the thought of losing my mom. But I had to put it aside as I was meeting my parents at MGH.

We met with her Neuropsychiatrist  - this is the doctor that cured her of the head movements about 3 years ago. I updated him on her treatments and told him how a month ago she didn't want to do the radiation to her head. But ended up doing it more for my dad than for herself. And he point-blank asked her if she was ready to quit and die. To my surprise, she said no! She wasn't ready to quit and will wait until she gets the results from the CT scan next week to make a decision. Wow! She is still fighting despite the pain and other side effects from the head radiation.

While that is so amazing to hear, I barely held back the tears. Just knowing the pain she endures daily and she says that? Talk about being brave and tough....well, it was a beautiful night and I told her I would take her to satisfy her cravings of raw cherrystones. So I wheeled her over to Fanueil Hall and we watched some kids break-dancing. Mom was bopping her head, clapping and even cheered a few times. She said she really enjoyed it. Then we sat out and had dinner. Mom said she hasn't been to Fanueil Hall in years. See how happy she was eating her cherrystones!

But after dropping her at home, I went home and got into bed. It was only 8pm but I couldn't deal. I cried until I couldn't cry any more. It's finally hitting me. I've been trying to be so strong for her and my family. I didn't realize I was holding all of this in. I know I'll be ok in time and that this is just the beginning.  I need to learn from my mom cos she wouldn't want me to be like this. And she is depending on me to be strong so I can take care of her especially now when she needs me most. I guess I'll just take a long vacation after this is all over. Somewhere on the beach....

14 days of radiation, checked! Let's give Becky a round of applause. Awesome considering she just finished radiation to her chest 3 days before she started the radiation to her head.

When we met with her radiation oncologist, they checked out the blisters on her right ear and was worried it may be shingles. So we whisked Mom off to the dermatologists and thank goodness it's not. What a nightmare if it was.

She is so happy there's no more treatments in the horizon. CT scan on the 27th and more decisions to make. But for now, she can relax and rest. Mom has this sweet little smile that shows her fighting spirit! Kudos, Mom!

I came down with strep throat Tuesday so couldn't see Mom until the coast was clear. Lots happened while I stayed away. Her short-term memory is going. She's forgetting if she took her meds or not. And her hair started to fall out so Norm helped shave her head. Also, she is now the proud owner of a wheelchair. It was delivered and she was shown how to use it. But she forgot the instructions! 

I couldn't wait to see how she was doing and also needed to go and help her refill her pill box. And she wanted me to take her to the cemetery again. She's decided she doesn't like the location of the plots. So off we went... to the cemetery! But the sales guy wasn't available to show us available plots, oh well. Can I just say I am soooo tired of cemeteries! 

Then later that night, Rob and I took her to Wrentham. We thought it was better than her staying at home by herself. Dad had a banquet in Chinatown to attend. Although she can't really shop,  she can people-watch while we shop! Also, I wanted to buy her a new hat. Dad bought her a hat at the hospital's gift store but it's  too big and too flashy, totally not her style. See picture below.

Mom was so happy to be out and about. I got her an ice cream cone at Friendly's and then Rob treated her to dinner at her favorite restaurant Maria's. All in all, a good night with Mom!

PS, she may look well in the picture but she is very weak. It's so sad to see how she's deteriorated from all of the radiation treatments :(


 

Mom couldn't walk this am to her radiation appt. She said she had a lot of pain in her hips. Dad had to use a wheelchair to get her to her appt. We were supposed to meet with her radiation oncologist but met with his resident first. He asked about the pain in her hips and said they can probably get a x-ray. But does she really want to go through a third radiation treatment after going through two already? Wait a minute, I said are you really diagnosing she needs radiaiton before we even see the x-ray? Seriously? I wanted to punch him in the face! What about let's see what the problem is before jumping to another round of radiation.

Needless to say, I wasn't happy because there was no need to worry my mom especially when there was no scan or x-ray.

On a happier note, mom had some visitors tonight. Old friends from way back when. She was happy to see them. Here's a picture.