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Eat, Pray, Skip the Love - in Exotic FL!!

10/21/2014

With a sense of relief, I continue my journey of self-awareness and getting my shit together. The episode with Por Por solidifies the fact that I cannot handle or deal with being sad. The emotions that come with it - sad, anger and helplessness seem amplified. So much so that it's debilitating - I just want to stay in bed. Sounds very dramatic, right? Tragic, almost. I know it's not that bad. Other people have it way worse. So got to get over it. Move on....

I sat on the beach for hours....no one around....relaxing...trying to reconcile what I've been feeling and what my Mom would want for me. I can hear her telling me to enjoy what life has to offer. Cos that's what she did. Stop wasting my time and energy in grieving for her. I get it....

So I ate ok, prayed to my Mom for guidance and reassurance. For the love part, it's still unresolved. Too complicated. Let's just table it for now. I just want to be happy whether I'm in or out of a relationship. No drama. Open myself up to receive love, happiness and whatever good there is. Life is too short...damn, how many times do we have to say it before we believe it? Before another person close to us passes away? Don't wait....life is good. Embrace and enjoy, right?

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Por Por - Miss Ornery

10/20/2014

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I'm happy to report, the bleeding was from an ulcer. As my Uncle Dave said "We were hopeful Saturday evening, prepared for the worst on Sunday, and now cautiously optimistic."

She is a tough old bird! She is now at the nursing home where I've been volunteering! Isn't that ironic? She went in quiet but refused to eat and take her meds. She yelled at Uncle Dave saying he was in cahoots with the nursing home to steal her money. Then she also called one the nurse stupid. I guess she is getting better!

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Poor Por Por

10/19/2014

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So I planned a quick getaway to FL get my head straight and to figure things out. But my grandmother (Por Por) was rushed to the hospital yesterday. She fell again and according to the initial diagnosis, she was dehydrated, had an UTI and had some internal bleeding. After some tests were conducted, the docs scheduled an endoscopy Monday to see where the bleeding was coming from. They were concerned about a mass they found in her lungs and told us there was a 50/50 chance the bleeding was from an ulcer or it could be from cancer? Not sure how they came up with that....

Spending time in the ED and then sitting in the hospital room brought back all of the moments I had with my mom. I was feeding some clear broth to Por and I broke down crying. I was on the verge all day today and wasn't sure whether I should leave for FL tomorrow! In the end with the support of my family and friends, I decided to go. As my brother said, it's only a 3 hour flight so if anything happens I can fly back asap.

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Happy Birthday Mom!

10/15/2014

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Dear Mom,
I hope you have an awesome birthday up there with Cousin Irene, Wingo and your parents. I know you are surrounded by the people you love most. So I feel comforted by that and am happy for you. Tho to be honest I wish you were here but I had many years celebrating your birthday so I cannot be selfish anymore.

I'm sure you know that Dad flew out to Taiwan and then will head over to HK and China. Please watch over him and don't let him drink too much and make sure he behaves appropriately for someone his age. It's hard to lecture him cos I feel bad and yet at the same time I can't believe some of the things he does! I now know how you felt when dealing with him. He will never grow up and I worry that he doesn't understand his limitations. And yes, he will suffer the effects of his bad decisions. But I will have to deal with taking care of him...I guess I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

I want you to know that you were the best influence in my life even though I didn't know it until you were gone. Better late than never! I miss you, your presence and most of all your smile. Thanks for being the best role model and mother to me.

Love your daughter,
Bren

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Is it October already?

10/2/2014

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How crazy is this? It's 56 degrees outside. Pretty soon it's going to be Christmas! I'm so not ready for this. But at least my Dad is leaving all of this behind. He's flying to Taiwan and then HK in another 10 days. I'll miss having dinner with him but it's worth it knowing he is having a good time with his friends. And maybe it'll help him forget about our loss.

Me, I'm ok. Super busy with work which is helpful. And after work, hanging out with old friends, making new friends and taking care of Choco & Bailey. Still trying to move on in many ways. I feel like this is a phase to reflect. And to figure things. Wish me luck!

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Eat, Pray, Skip the Love - in Exotic FL!!

Por Por - Miss Ornery

Poor Por Por

Happy Birthday Mom!

Is it October already?

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