Indulging myself Saturday with a haircut and an eyelash perm in NYC. You might question why drive all the way down to NYC for a haircut? First, it is so relaxing for me to sit in my car listening to my music blasting. I'm still not thinking about Helen's passing. I know denial and avoidance are not a good way to deal with it. But I figure I'll let it all out when I'm sitting on the beach in the DR next month. Second, I get a really good haircut in NYC! And lastly, I'm going to visit with my Aunt, my Mom's older sister. I've only seen her once before since Mom passed. 

My Dad said he would go to keep me company but I told him he doesn't have to. Don't forget, I've driven down to NY so many times in the past by myself! Even monthly trips to Baltimore. Crazy....

So I'm having dinner with my admin team (three 25 years old) at the Cheesecake Factory last night. One of them was running late so I decided to order a drink. And I got CARDED!! OMG, it was hilarious. The girls loved it....Mom, was that you poking fun at me again?

Wow, I thought I was doing well. I managed to lock everything in a box and store it somewhere in the back of my mind. But all it takes is for someone to ask how I'm doing and I get all emotional! Crap, I know it's going to pass. Just need some more time. Doing my best to distract myself - shopping, work, Choco & Bailey...not feeling too social. 

Time to reflect...when it's my time, what do I want to be remember for? Why things happened and did I learn from it? I'm heading to the DR in a couple of weeks so I'll have a lot of time to THINK!!

The other day, I realized I've suffered 4 huge losses just in the last 5 years. My mom, Helen and a couple of long-term relationships. Jeez, how much can a person take? I have to believe that old saying - everything happens for a reason. So no looking back, no regrets and no doubting oneself. I know there is another special angel looking out for me! 

Is it fair to say that I'm used to dealing with losing someone? I spoke with Chuck, my best friend and we were both saying how we were feeling guilty. Guilty in that life is moving on. I seriously have not taken any time to think about Helen's passing. Am I in denial? I don't think so. On the surface, I know she is gone. Yet at the same time, I almost texted her a few times to tell her something. I guess I won't have to text her anymore as she's watching and knows what's going on! Hey, girl!

It's done, the service is over. Helen would've been surprised at the turnout. I just wish she knew how loved she was when she was alive. Maybe it would have made life more bearable? Knowing she had support and that all she had to do was reach out? Again, still not sure that I comprehend that she is truly gone. I broke down at the hospital right after we decided to take her off the machines. And that was it. But as I was walking down the driveway with Susanne and Chuck towards the car to go the funeral home, it hit me. I couldn't believe I was going to Helen's SERVICE. WTF? We all lost it and started crying. It's really one of the few moments that I realized she is gone. 

And some of the people who came, I haven't seen in years! Maybe 30+ years! Numbers were exchanged. But who knows if we'll actually connect. And then there are those who I only see at wakes and funerals. So depressing. But on the flip side, the people closest to me were there to show their support to me as well as pay their respect to Hel. I have amazing friends and family.

Helen's passing has strengthened my resolve to only have good people in my life. Decent people who are caring, nurturing, considerate and genuine. Not insensitive and selfish liars. Those type of people have no place in my life and can go fuck themselves. And I'm referring to people from the past whom I honestly believed were sincere and decent. Man, it sucks when you realized how wrong you are about someone. Helen put up with a lot of BS from people like that throughout her life. I wish I did a better job of protecting her. 

I know she was looking down at us last night and was laughing her ass off. We did our best people watching at wakes! I can only imagine what she was thinking about with some of the people there. But most importantly, Helen would've been proud of the way her daughter Jocelyn handled herself. 

Again, RIP. Say hi to my mom, please!

She's gone, my loving, crazy, nutty friend - Helen. She's been with me through thick and thin for almost all of my life. She put up a valiant fight but her body couldn't handle all of the added stress. I'm heartbroken and reliving what I went through with my mom. Death never gets easier, does it? 

I've been helping her daughter and sisters navigate their way with the drs and hospital stuff. And just finished with all of the arrangements for the service. It does seem a little surreal and maybe it hasn't totally hit me yet. Maybe when I need to tell her something and realize I can't text her anymore? I don't know. 

I've always felt that as long as Helen was with me, I can handle any kind of situation. I would drag her with me any time I knew I was going into an awkward or uncomfortable setting. And she would willingly tag along. No questions asked. We've been through so much together from kindergarten to present day. From our awkward adolescent and teenage years to the 80's perm with bangs! Damn, we thought we were styling. Weddings, childbirth (well, for her), deaths, and divorces. EVERYTHING - ups and downs. We didn't agree on everything but we had the same core values. We were destined to be besties cos who's going to the movies with me, try new restaurants, eat at our old favorite ones, cooking and baking, weekly IKEA trips, dance to disco, volunteer and just always laugh at the crazy-ass situations we would find ourselves in? It's never going to be the same.

I will say that I saw her yesterday for the last time. And she looked like she was at peace. Free from the pain and all of the stresses life gives you. It's bittersweet cos I need her and will miss her friendship. But I can't be selfish...sigh.

I was having dim sum with her daughter Joce, Jenna, friend to Joce and Laura, Hel's sister this morning. And I remembered I'm Joce's godmother! I totally forgot cos Joce always called me Auntie Brenda! I guess it doesn't matter cos I'm going to be there for her always. 

The service will be this coming Friday at Waterman's from 5pm - 8pm. Same place where we had the wake for my Mom. Weird walking around the funeral home. Again surreal....but the same yummy hard candy! Joce remembered Helen grabbing handfuls of it! Typical.....

I love and miss you, Hel! Rest in peace.