As I look around my family and friends, I think about how lucky I am. My job at Stealth is going great! I feel like a real contributor and my CEO trusts me wholeheartedly. And that's no small feat as there's probably only a handful of people in that group. I know it sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but I do work really hard!

It's funny because when I was in my thirties, I went to a Chinese fortune teller. And he said I will be rich in my early fifties. At the time, I was working at ATASK making about $30k. That prediction seem so far-fetched. And throughout the years, I thought the ONLY way I would be rich is through my husband. I was on track but look what happened? And now, there is a real possibility that it can happen, if things go well at work. Who knows? Maybe not rich but at least comfortable.

I know some friends and family members are struggling financially and wonder how can I help? What would my Mom do if she was still alive? Yes, I still wonder how she would handle it even though we're coming up on her third anniversary since she passed.

Am I better now that some time has passed? Not really, I still struggle with not having her here. It's weird but I don't feel her presence yet. Yes, I know she is gone but I thought for sure I would feel her spiritually? If that makes sense. But then I rationalize that she is working hard taking care of others who needs her more. So I take comfort in that.

But I do need her and at some point, I hope she comes around!

Dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes. He was warned by his PCP for awhile now that he needed to lose weight and to watch his carb and sugar intake. But Dad didn't listen so he is now taking diabetes meds. I had to take him to get his eyes checked today and luckily everything is fine. His eyes are not affected by the diabetes. Yesterday I was at work sitting at my desk and for some reason I was thinking about my Dad. And thinking about me taking him to his appt.  As much as I complain about him, I don't know what I would do if I lose him. Especially now when I still feel vulnerable. So I started tearing up?! At work which isn't good. :(

Ok, if he wants to go to HK once again, I guess I will bite my tongue and help him make it happen. Once again....I want him to be happy. I know he still misses my Mom. So if this helps him to forget then who am I to stand in his way? Tho I can hear my Mom saying I'm too nice to him.

I swallowed my pride and contacted the person in charge of Ricesticks and Tea food pantry to see if I can volunteer this month. Long story but it's a little awkward since I stopped volunteering there. Alot of drama went down in the past and hopefully all under the bridge now. 

So with some trepidation, I went and so glad I did. A bunch of clients were so happy to see me and were hugging me! They asked if I was married and did I move away? I gave them an update and one of them wants to set me up with an unemployed guy who goes to Foxwoods every day. Hmmmm, can I let this opportunity pass? Yea, I think so...plus Mom wouldn't approve, lol.

A few clients surprised me and told me they missed me. Surprise bc I didn't connect with them as much I did with others. One spoke mandarin so never really was able to communicate with her. But she held onto my hand for a long time and told me I was a good person.

I did see alot of new faces which is good. That means new families are being helped. I spent most of my time speaking with clients but was able to pack a few bags of food. :) One of the seniors invited me to dim sum bc she is so grateful to me for helping her 10 years ago. So sweet.....miss volunteering, miss food pantry, miss my clients....would like to find another way to give back. This was so good for me mentally and spiritually.

A scene in which the original housewife of the OC, Vicki is on the phone lying on the floor cos she just found out her mom died. It hits so close to home for me - my heart is breaking watching her go through all of the emotions.

Sobbing & screaming "OMG, what happened to my mom? I just talked to her. I need my mother. I want my mom back."

During her one-on one interview, she also said "i wasn't ready to stop learning from my mom. She teaches me so many things all the time. I don't know how I'm going to function. I need her in my life. I feel lost. I feel lonely."

Damn, seeing someone experiencing what you're feeling? This fucking sucks. Sorry, this is a sad post.

Ok, I may look young (can't tell you how many people have said I look like I'm in my thirties lately) but I'm definitely feeling my age. Been out every night this past week and am now trying to recover. I guess it's a good thing people say you need less sleep when you get older!

So Dad is planning another trip to China in October for a couple of months. I guess I won't be going after all. And that's alright cos I do want him to enjoy life as much as he can. He still reminisces about my Mom and always ends the conversation with a huge sigh.

I can't complain cos I am thinking about going to Mexico and then back to Vegas again.